Thursday, June 18, 2009 2:03 AM
I had quite the eye-opening series of discussions at a recent conference about how women are treated in our industry. Discussions ranged from how geek guys overstep boundaries to what levels of modesty women in tech should exude.
The discussion of women in technology has been ongoing for many years. Major conferences host WIT (Women in Technology) shindigs where people get together to build Lego together and burn bras (oddly enough, I’m only kidding about the bra burning…still don’t get the Lego thing…). The value of women in technology is an important discussion, but is not the point of this post.
No, this post I want to talk to my male geek readers. Now boys, it goes without saying that our brood is one that lacks certain social graces…particularly with the ladies. One of the reasons The Big Bang Theory is funny is because of how true it is. Unfortunately, that’s the cutesy version of events.
The non-cutesy version involves stories about creeper guys at conferences following female attendees to their hotel rooms, sending rude messages, or (this one floored me) requesting help with a technical problem as a ruse to spend one on one time alone.
Of course this just isn’t relegated to the Milton’s of our industry. Oh no…the exuberant douchebags of our industry are just as guilty although their tactics tend to be more in-your-face.
So in the spirit of the recent movie “He’s Just Not That Into You”, here are some tips for my male brethren.
Rule 1 – Just because you both use the same technology, it doesn’t mean you’re soulmates.
So you find a girl who’s into the same tech you are. Great. You’ve probably met hundreds of other *guys* who use the same technology, but you probably didn’t assume bromances were a given in those situations did you?
Now this common ground is definitely a great opportunity to open discussions, but remember that in most scenarios (ug event, conference, code camp, IM or Twitter) you’re talking at a work-related-level. You’re not at a bar asking if it hurt when she fell from Heaven; you’re in a room with uncomfortable chairs and a projector asking how to properly implement an IoC container. She’s not there looking for love Romeo.
Rule 2 – Just because she talks to you doesn’t mean she wants to have your babies…or dress up in a Princess Leia gold bikini.
Geek guys are used to talking to other geek guys, but girls are a totally different thing. It’s true that a good chunk of us working in IT grew up not going on a lot of dates, or being all that popular with the ladies (I didn’t wear jeans until grade 10, I speak from experience). So I can understand that we may get a thrill from a girl, especially one who understands the inner workings of the CLR or can rattle off Re-Sharper shortcuts from memory, when we actually talk to them.
But let’s chalk this up to what it really is: novelty. Girls, particularly those considered attractive, aren’t supposed to *be* geeky. So when one comes by, its like a perfect hormonal storm…kinda like if Sarah Michelle Gellar really *was* into vampire lore (sorry to burst your bubble guys). You may have a great conversation with a gal, but guys that is not an invitation to start stalking her in person, on IM, on Twitter, via Facebook, blogs, etc.
It’s like showing up at Scott Hanselman’s house for dinner just because he responded to a comment you left on his blog or because you had your picture taken with him…
*
Not appropriate.
Rule 3 – Contrary to how you may feel, acting like a jackass will *not* help you make the situation better.
Ok, so you messed up. You ignored rules 1 and 2 and now have been informed in no uncertain terms that you’re creeping her out, she’s not interested, and she never will be interested. Misunderstandings happen, and you obviously misunderstood. So your next course of action should be:
a) Rant about what a slut she is on your blog or twitter
b) Make sure to sit in the front row of any event she’s presenting at and glare
c) Be even more overt in your advances, ignoring the brush off
d) Create a Silverlight montage showing how she blew up your heart and devoured your soul.
If you answered a, b, c, or d, you are an idiot, a douchebag, need medical help, or possibly all three. The correct answer here is WALK AWAY.
Maybe your pride got hurt…realize that its *your pride and ego* and not your actual feelings. Your heart didn’t break from any of this because there wasn’t any relationship happening in which a heart could break from. Lashing out in anger just makes you look sad, pathetic, and unbalanced. As well, acting like a cocky ladies man causes the same sort of reaction as well.
And OMG, DO NOT try to apologize or explain after the fact. If a lady has made it clear she doesn’t want anything to do with you, that means NO CONTACT…AT ALL…EVER. Learn from the experience and walk away…and geeze man, re-read rules 1 and 2!
Final Thoughts…
We live in a time where we have unprecedented access to other people. We can view their information on Facebook, follow their thoughts and activities on Twitter, read their opinions on blogs, etc. We also have those that choose to live in the realm of celebrity status, offering access to themselves as their main product (yes iJustine, I’m looking at you). And for whatever reason, we feel that the rules governing these mediums or interactions apply to everyone we meet…but they don’t. Privacy and respect are still values that each of us holds as a right, and one that we shouldn’t take for granted in others. Fantasy lives in a fantasy world guys…and we all live in reality.
Well…all of us except Access Developers…
